Down&Dirty Theology: God’s will

It’s something you don’t anticipate.

It’s something you never thought you’d do.

But when the time comes, you do it.

The sun wasn’t even up yet at 5:40 as we parked the van in the Wilson Garage at Riley Hospital.  We walked past the ER, pushed the “TWO” button in the glass elevator and checked in for Silas’ surgery.  We were ushered back to a waiting room where the nurse took all of Silas’ stats and double checked the laundry list of meds.  And then the time came…

Like I said, it’s something you don’t anticipate.  And it’s something you never thought you’d do, but when it comes time to hand your child to a complete stranger so they can sedate them and cut them…you do it.  You do it even though you have a knot in the pit of your stomach.  You do it even though you don’t want to.  It’s horrible, but…you just do it.

And here is the thing.  I have had numerous people say these types of things to me:

“I don’t know how someone could give up their child for adoption.  I could never do that.”

Or, “I don’t know how you take care of someone with all those special needs.  I could never do that.”

Maybe it’s true.   Maybe they couldn’t or wouldn’t, but I wonder if it’s just a case of context.  My parents said at one time that they would never live in a trailer.  However, when they had the chance to purchase 6 1/2 acres of prime, already developed land in Pennsylvania, but didn’t have the money to build a house, they decided to live in a trailer.  And the examples don’t end there…

…I’m pretty sure Abraham never dreamed that he would tie up his only son and sacrifice him to God.

…I don’t think Moses’ mother, Jochebed, ever dreamed she would leave her son in a basket in the huge Nile River.

…The prophet Samuel’s mother, Hannah, didn’t think she would have trouble getting pregnant and probably never even considered giving back her first born child to God.

…In more recent times, Jews during the Holocaust sent their children away knowing they would never see them again.  And everyday, birth-mothers who can’t raise their babies put them first by giving them a chance at a stable family.

“But I would never do THAT!”

I wonder.  I also wonder if God knew we would be wrestling with this issue and so gave us a word in James 4:13-15.  He says,

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will,we will live and do this or that.”

This specific passage is about boasting, but the larger issue is that we have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  Our lives are “a mist” and it is only by the God’s will that we do this or that.  We have less control than we think we do.

I’ve realized the hard way, that making definitive statements about what I will or will not do in the future isn’t the best idea.  The reason is that many of the decisions we make, for better or for worse, are based on the situation at the time and the limited knowledge we have then.  None of us can say what we will or won’t do in the future because the Lord is in control.

Today, I swallowed that feeling in the pit of my stomach, kissed Silas on his curly hair and handed him to the nurse.  Now I don’t mean to say that my experience was the same as Abraham, Jochebed, Hannah, Jewish-parents during the Holocaust or birth-moms.  My experience was nothing like theirs because after two hours, I was ushered into the recovery room and saw my little, curly-haired boy softly sleeping off his anesthesia.  But it made my realize I should be careful before saying, “I would never do THAT!“

There are things we don’t anticipate.  There are things we never thought we’d do.  But when the time comes, we do them…trusting again that the Lord is in control.

Psalm 42: Hope in God

And here is the irony…after doing my recent psalm rewrite, I had a nagging throughout, call it deja-vu, that I had done this before.  So after sifting through a few posts I realized that yes, I had done it on April 1st almost one year ago.  And to add injury to insult, last year’s was better.  But I should let you be the judge of that.  Anyway, I had another one fermenting in the back of my mind so I thought I’d pull that one out too.  Wasn’t planning on it, but here it is…

Psalm 42

As the dog next door pants in the heat

so my soul slobbers for you, O God.

Messy, sloppy, broken, I thirst,

but where to find the divine?

My tears taste salty adding flavor

to my empty stomach day and night

as my sinner’s side lobs questions like grenades,

“Where is your healing God?”

And my thoughts return

as my soul starts to burn:

how I praised, arms upraised,

safe and protected,

among the faithful of God.

 

So, why are you so down, my soul?

So anxious of things beyond your control?

Put your hope in God,

because I will praise him again,

forever and ever, Amen.

 

My soul is still down and blue,

but there I will remember you.

From the Midwest plains,

with birds singing of spring,

Robin sings to jay

With creation’s song,

Rising up and around, sweet and strong, loud and long.

 

The sun overhead shines His love,

At night His song is still with me-

Becoming my own prayer to the God of life.

I say to God my Rock,

“Why have you forgotten me?

Why must my son suffer,

oppressed by sin and the enemy?

3:00 AM.  My heart feels worn and weak.

Coughing, he struggles to breathe or speak

and my sinner’s side lobs questions like grenades,

“Where is your God?”

 

So, why are you so down, my soul?

So anxious of things beyond your control?

Put your hope in God,

because I will praise him again,

forever and ever, Amen.

Psalm 16 rewrite

Periodically, I go back to the psalms to reorient my soul to worship.  I find that they always speak to me and help me reset my perspective…especially as I continue to work through the the sovereignty of my God and the brokenness of my son’s mitochondria.  And when I do that, I also rewrite certain psalms to personalize it, but also to insert myself into God’s story.  To many times we think this world revolves around us and our issues, but the truth is that we are telling God’s better story.  Let me encourage you to spend some time in the psalms too.  You don’t have to rewrite them, but make the Word your own…these were prayers and songs of believers hundreds of years before us, but they are directed to the same God.

Psalm 16-Safety is only in God

Help me redefine safety, my God,

for in you only am I safe.

 

I say to the LORD, “You are my LORD;

apart for you I have nothing…”

I say of those who encourage my faith,

(who watch Silas, clean our house, pay for gas to Riley, bring us meals, send cards, give hugs, babysit and pray)

they are the godly ones.

Those who worship things made with their own hands

will suffer more.

So I will not worship things man-made or put my trust in a miracle drug.

 

Lord, you have assigned me my life and my son;

you have made my life secure.

The pieces of the puzzle have fallen in pleasant places;

Yes, I have a life full of snuggles and slobbery kisses.

 

I will praise you God, for re-orienting me;

even at night my heart calls me to trust.

I keep my tear-filled eyes always on the LORD.

With him at my side, I will not be shaken.

 

Therefore my heart rejoices and my mouth praises;

my body will rest secure,

because you will not abandon us in death,

nor will you let Jesus slip away.

You tell me that life isn’t safe;

but you fill me with joy in your presence,

and you give eternal life with you…

without sickness.

Joy is In Our Hearts

Every day could use a little more Sara Groves music in it.  At least I think so.  This song is one reason.  I so appreciate that she is able to balance the joy and the pain, the light and the dark, the hopeful and the broken in her songs.  While there is good reason for heavy hearts…there is good reason for hope and joy is in our hearts.  Why?  Because  Christ is our hope and strength.  And some days that might seem like all we have, but it’s enough.  And while it might be small.  We sing, “hallelujah”.

Trust in the LORD, Not Understanding

As our family has come to grips with my son’s condition, I have found Proverbs 3:5-6 something to hold onto.  In times of grief, it’s normal to question, to cry, to wonder, to mourn, to ponder and to feel lost.  The believer, however, takes those feelings to their God.  Time and time again, there are examples of believers all through scripture who said shocking things to God, but the point is that they said them honestly in the context of their relationship with Him.  All that to say, these two verses have become a mantra for me as I work through this…I will print the text first and then a copy of my Wordle version.  It’s a bit more random, but honestly that’s how life feels sometimes.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 Trust in the LORD with all your heart 

and lean not on your own understanding; 

 in all your ways acknowledge him, 

   and he will make your paths straight.

Blue Christmas

A little over a week ago, the Ward family was talking about Christmas cards.  You know, the kind of Christmas card with the picture on the front.  And as we talked, the comment was made that “we don’t have any good pictures of all of us with Silas to put on our card”.  A lot of our pictures from the middle of the year have Silas with a tube in his nose.  All of our pictures from this half of the year show his “stone face” look since he has lost much of his facial expressions.  It’s true, we don’t have many “good” pictures from this year.  And that got me  thinking…

Too many times I define Christmas as a “winter wonderland” or a time of joy and fun.  But for many, it’s a hard time.  It’s the first Christmas without someone.  It’s another Christmas without someone.  It’s a time to be reminded of broken relationships or what we don’t have.  For many, all they get for Christmas is blue and they feel as if they are left out in the cold looking through windows at the rest of the happy, blissful world.  But as I’ve written before, even if it’s hard there is always hope.

This Christmas I’ve been humming this song by Over the Rhine because it encapsulates my feelings of pain and hope.  It’s called “Darl’in Christmas is Coming” and I’d like to share it with you.

So it’s been a long year
Every new day brings one more tear
Till there’s nothing left to cry

My, my how time flies
Like little children hiding their eyes
We’ll make it disappear
Let’s start a brand new year

Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Do you believe in angels singing
Darlin’ the snow is falling
Falling like forgiveness from the sky

If I could have anything
What would I want this new year to bring
Well, I’d want you here with me

Tear these thorns from my heart
Help the healing to start
Let’s set this old world free
Let’s start with you and me

So if you’re having a “blue Christmas”, I hope you are able to see the healing start in his love and forgiveness that does fall from the sky like fresh, white snow.  And from the Ward family to yours…Merry Christmas.

More than Thankful for Hope

Every year around this time, people sit at a large table surrounded by friends and/or family and ruminate on the things they are  thankful for.  And this, I think, is a fine thing to do.  ”Very traditional,” one might say and also a way to realize how much God has already blessed us despite what we tend to think the rest of the year.  I too am thankful for my family, friends, a new mini-van and house, turkey induced sleep and foggy, fall days.  There are other things that I’m also thankful for, but in a different kind of way.  I’m thankful for things I don’t have to do…here is the short list…

1.  Because we only have to make 4 trips to Cleveland for Silas’ medical trial instead of 13 we will not have to drive the additional 4,365 miles over 72 hours costing around $675.00 in gas.

2.  I’m thankful that I didn’t have to paint my house trim, rake my leaves by myself, clean our house for the kid’s birthday party or make the 8 frozen meals downstairs in the freezer because other people from our church did that for us.  Wanting to help Silas and our family, they pitched in and gave.  I am humbled and thankful.

But beyond that, I’m thankful for hope today.  I’m thankful for hope that defies our “out-come based world”. And I guess I’m thinking about that because so many times my list on Thanksgiving is made up of things I have achieved or things I own.

But what happens when we have less this Thanksgiving than last Thanksgiving?

What happens when we pray for God to heal a loved one and they are not better or perhaps worse-off than before?

Has God stopped caring?

Has God stopped listening to our prayers?

This afternoon as I was driving home from a huge Thanksgiving meal where we stopped just short of the sin of gluttony, I was thinking about my son Silas who has lost quite a bit of ability in the last year.  I was also thinking and praying for a wonderful family who gathered this Thanksgiving knowing that it would most likely be the last one with their husband and father who is battling cancer.  And then I thought…have all of us been trying to win and simply lost?  Are these situations that are hopeless?

No, no and again no!

Hope transcends today’s suffering.  Hope transcends sin and death.  This is a basic belief for Christians.  The problem is this:  even though we claim Jesus, we act as if our prayers are magical spells and He should answer all our prayers.  But that’s not what he said is it?

He came with the name “Emmanuel”.  He said  that he would never leave us or forsake us.  So God is with us no matter what changes or what outcomes we wish for or what ideas we conceive about God.  He is with us.  This isn’t an academic statement for me.  God wasn’t just here for a time and has now left.  He is here now.  This is true and this is life and in this we have hope.  He hasn’t left us and my list at Thanksgiving is just one, small, little example of that.

And if all of that is true…maybe the goal of hope isn’t for everything to be perfectly resolved.

Maybe things won’t always be better this Thanksgiving than last as our out-come based culture assumes.

Maybe this requires a shift in our thinking.

Maybe instead of hoping for “deliverance from” our suffering we should have hope for “deliverance through” the suffering.  As one of my profs, Greg Wilde, has written,

…perhaps we are delivered from evil when, instead of avoiding it, we live through it with God and come out on the other side, shining.  There is hope in midst of suffering, not because it will be over some day, although certainly it will be, but because God is there in the midst of it, now.

So this holiday season, I’m more than thankful for hope…hope that lasts…hope that remains.  Yes, I’m thankful for hope.

**  Quote from Anchoring Faith, Hope, and Love in Today, By Gregory Wilde, Adjunct Professor, Robert E. Webber Institute for Worship Studies, July, 2008

Down&Dirty Theology: As you go

Our family got medical check-ups last week.  No cause for alarm.  These were normal check-ups for normal people.  But as I was getting my blood drawn, I mentioned to the nurse some of the issues Silas faces.  Now whenever this comes up, I usually give people a general answer.  I don’t go into all the details.  If I do, I can see the eyes of the person I’m talking to start to glaze over as they are overwhelmed with the difficulty of the situation…

“I understand where you’re coming from,” said the nurse, Sue.

“You mean because you’re in the medical field?” I asked.

“No,” she said, “because my son was also adopted.  And at three years old, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  We went in the week before to get a pre-surgery MRI.  It was raining and I had to pull over on the drive home because I was crying too hard.  You’ll appreciate this, being a pastor,” she said, “but I told HIM that I couldn’t do this anymore and I needed HIM to help me.  I drove home and later that night the doctor called.  He told me he had been studying the MRI since that morning and unbelievably, there was no sign of the tumor.”

“That’s amazing,” I said, “God can heal through medicine or with a miracle like that when He chooses.  I know.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Except that he’s 12 now and the left side of his brain has slowed down and we don’t know why.”

That’s a hard conversation.

Last weekend, Jeff Bleijerveld challenged us to plug into God’s heart for the world overseas and next door.  This weekend Pastor Kent will jump off from that and challenge us to not miss the opportunities right here.  As he wrote in the E-note today,

I spend way more of my time here in my little corner of the world, but I find it way too easy to sit back and wait to share my faith until I’m in someone else’s corner of the world.

This is where you and I live.  And we are all going somewhere in our little corner:  the grocery store, work, the park down the street, the coffee shop, church, a friend’s house, the in-laws…somewhere…anywhere.

Now there are many of us who don’t envision that the place we are going is the “land of the sick”.  We want to stay in the “land of the healthy”.  We don’t want to use that other passport that gives us citizenship to the “land of sick”.  But, that might be where you are right now.  That’s were we are.  I didn’t want to be here, but this is where God has lead us.  And living here in this parallel universe of the “land of the sick” has taught me a couple things.

• First, reaching out and sharing your story when you’re in midst of pain is a testimony to God’s strength in weakness and His reality in the world now.  This isn’t something we just do on Sunday.  This is life.
• Secondly, we don’t just need healing.  What we really need is God’s presence.  I am praying for God to heal Silas, but I’ve also started to pray just as earnestly that his name would be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.  How will it help him if he gets healing for his body and gains everything only to lose his own soul?

Before Sue left our house, I shared how hard it is to watch Silas struggle to hold his own head up…how hard it is to watch him have seizures everyday.  But I also shared that we know this is God’s plan for His life and we know are apart of the redemptive story.  We are apart of Jesus’ answer to this problem that was brought on by sin.  We are apart of finding whatever medicine we can find for him.  We are apart of praying for his miraculous healing, if God wills.  We are apart of sharing the good news with him about Jesus and his sacrifice.  And we are trusting that God’s wisdom is bigger than our own and his strength is stronger.  As 1 Corinthians 1:23-25 says,

…we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.  For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.  

I’m not sure what Sue thought about our story.  But, I am praying for her son.  I would ask that you pray for him too.  And wherever you go, whether it’s the “land of the healthy” or the “land of the sick”, tell the story God has given you…that’s down & dirty theology.

Down&Dirty Theology: Jesus, man of sorrows

Today I met with a friend from our church who is currently out of work. We were talking about what we are learning: him through this experience and me with my son. As I shared, I said that I wasn’t mad about the situation, but did feel a deep sorrow. I am sad. Sad about the curse of sin not only on Silas, but on everyone who is out of work, going through divorce, in a broken relationship, or having financial problems…you name it…

But then I take comfort that I am not alone. The King James Version says

Jesus was “…a Man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief…”

We see him weep a number of times over death, unbelief and sin. We also see him on the cross crying out, “My God, my God why have you forsaken me?” A cry of separation from the Son of God to Father God. Jesus knew pain and suffering and it made him sad… But with all the pain Jesus experienced, and I’m sure it was much greater than anything I have faced, that moment of separation from God was the most painful.

Through this experience with Silas, I’m realizing that we are not separated from our God even when it feels like he is far way.  Even then, God is with us.  His very name is “Emmanuel, God with us” and he is here with his always and forever, never giving up love and kindness. I don’t experience that presence like a warm blanket or a indescribable peace. I wish I did, but I don’t.  Instead, I see God’s presence in so many ways…his provision for us of a new mini-van to transport the whole family and the necessary equipment…that God placed us together as a family to care for each other…for friends who baby-sit…for a chance to share life and celebrate God outside over lunch…and the list goes on and on…he is with us.

With me.

With you.

The other side of Jesus’ sorrow was that it had a purpose.

…[Let us fix] our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross…Hebrews 12:2

He knew that there was an ultimate JOYFUL end so he hung on and endured. He knew that salvation would come through his death. He knew that new life…eternal life…would come through his death.  At the end of time, we know that “He will wipe every tear from their eyes.” I am looking forward to that moment. I am looking forward to it because it means that death will no longer divide loved ones, bodies will no longer be broken, relationships will be made new, cancer will no longer exist, Silas’ mitochondria will work perfectly, death will die and sin conquered. On THAT DAY, we will see Jesus, the man of sorrows, and He will wipe away all tears as he makes all things new.

Hallelujah! What a Savior, posted with vodpod

What does it mean that Jesus rose again?

As many of you know, my son Silas has Leigh’s disease.  The latest development is that he is experiencing seizures (technically called “infantile spasms) at night and right after he wakes up.  He started on meds for the seizures two days ago.  This variety of treatment has an 87% cure rate so we’re hopeful this will cure them and we can get back to dealing with the Leigh’s stuff.  But the treatment means that Silas gets one injection/day for the first 4 weeks and then one injection every other day for the next 4.  And guess who gets to give him that shot?  You guessed it…me.

Year ago, my uncle wrote a song with the lyric,

“What does it mean that Jesus rose again?…Lord, make it true, make my Monday more than a case of the blues.  And let my sins crucifixion give me the life you would chose…”

That is one loaded lyric.

This week at ECC, we are going to have a funeral for Joe Sprunger and getting ready for Thelma Neterer’s memorial service.  Some at ECC have lost children recently.  There are other people who have lost loved ones and still others in the hospital or who have just returned from medical procedures.  This week I found out that a friend of mine is stepping down from ministry to save his marriage.  And for me, there is the battle against Leigh’s Disease with Silas.  (Sidenote:  feel free to read Sara’s blog if you would like to find out the latest info on our  family’s journey.)

I want us to be in prayer for all these people and understand that God’s heart hurts for the pain His people suffer because of the curse of sin on the whole world.  God can bring healing to every life situation we face.  I believe that.  But I also want to point us back to the original question.

What does it mean for all of us who are in the trenches of life that Jesus rose again?

How do we live out our faith day to day?

It’s an uphill battle for me some days, but I’m just trying to be honest.  I trust that I am part of God’s solution to the problem of sin in the world.  Jesus and His sacrifice is the ultimate solution, but as the spirit of God is working in my life I help to heal the world.

For right now, that is happening one injection at a time.