Graduation

I’m wearing a tie today.  I’m wearing a tie and everyone who stops by my office this morning is reminding me of that fact.

“Hey, you’re wearing a tie!  What’s the special occasion?”

So, yes, I’m wearing a tie and the special occasion is my daughter’s kindergarten graduation.  If the truth is told, I’m excited about it.  It’s a mile-stone for her.  But most of my excitement is watching her excitement.  She loves school.  She cried when we told her that she wouldn’t be going to school all year and had to suffer through a summer vacation!  And she cried again last night before bed-time.  But this morning, she was up early and had her special, yellow dress on before I was out of the shower.  The girl is both sad and supper excited!

As I was thinking about graduation and our study of the first two of God’s 10 Kingdom Rules (commandments), I realized that graduation is a celebration of growth over the course of a year.  It’s good to celebrate, but it’s even better to grow.  Then I wondered…

Have I grown in the way I love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength?

Have I grown in the way I love my neighbor as myself?

Would I be able to graduate to the next level in those areas of my life?

I’m not sure.  It’s an ongoing process.  I need to keep thinking about it and also work towards next year.  My baby will be in first grade!  (I’m getting old!)  And it will be a time to for all of us to again love God and our neighbor as ourselves…

Down&Dirty Theology: God’s will

It’s something you don’t anticipate.

It’s something you never thought you’d do.

But when the time comes, you do it.

The sun wasn’t even up yet at 5:40 as we parked the van in the Wilson Garage at Riley Hospital.  We walked past the ER, pushed the “TWO” button in the glass elevator and checked in for Silas’ surgery.  We were ushered back to a waiting room where the nurse took all of Silas’ stats and double checked the laundry list of meds.  And then the time came…

Like I said, it’s something you don’t anticipate.  And it’s something you never thought you’d do, but when it comes time to hand your child to a complete stranger so they can sedate them and cut them…you do it.  You do it even though you have a knot in the pit of your stomach.  You do it even though you don’t want to.  It’s horrible, but…you just do it.

And here is the thing.  I have had numerous people say these types of things to me:

“I don’t know how someone could give up their child for adoption.  I could never do that.”

Or, “I don’t know how you take care of someone with all those special needs.  I could never do that.”

Maybe it’s true.   Maybe they couldn’t or wouldn’t, but I wonder if it’s just a case of context.  My parents said at one time that they would never live in a trailer.  However, when they had the chance to purchase 6 1/2 acres of prime, already developed land in Pennsylvania, but didn’t have the money to build a house, they decided to live in a trailer.  And the examples don’t end there…

…I’m pretty sure Abraham never dreamed that he would tie up his only son and sacrifice him to God.

…I don’t think Moses’ mother, Jochebed, ever dreamed she would leave her son in a basket in the huge Nile River.

…The prophet Samuel’s mother, Hannah, didn’t think she would have trouble getting pregnant and probably never even considered giving back her first born child to God.

…In more recent times, Jews during the Holocaust sent their children away knowing they would never see them again.  And everyday, birth-mothers who can’t raise their babies put them first by giving them a chance at a stable family.

“But I would never do THAT!”

I wonder.  I also wonder if God knew we would be wrestling with this issue and so gave us a word in James 4:13-15.  He says,

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will,we will live and do this or that.”

This specific passage is about boasting, but the larger issue is that we have no idea what tomorrow will bring.  Our lives are “a mist” and it is only by the God’s will that we do this or that.  We have less control than we think we do.

I’ve realized the hard way, that making definitive statements about what I will or will not do in the future isn’t the best idea.  The reason is that many of the decisions we make, for better or for worse, are based on the situation at the time and the limited knowledge we have then.  None of us can say what we will or won’t do in the future because the Lord is in control.

Today, I swallowed that feeling in the pit of my stomach, kissed Silas on his curly hair and handed him to the nurse.  Now I don’t mean to say that my experience was the same as Abraham, Jochebed, Hannah, Jewish-parents during the Holocaust or birth-moms.  My experience was nothing like theirs because after two hours, I was ushered into the recovery room and saw my little, curly-haired boy softly sleeping off his anesthesia.  But it made my realize I should be careful before saying, “I would never do THAT!“

There are things we don’t anticipate.  There are things we never thought we’d do.  But when the time comes, we do them…trusting again that the Lord is in control.

The Ward Songbook Vol. 1

Wards love to sing.  We’ve been doing it for years…and while you might be thinking of the great hymns of the faith (Psalm 23 anyone?), you’d be closer to the mark if you were singing some ridiculous song at the top of your lungs while playing a ukulele.  Yeah.  That’s how we roll.  Anyway, I compiled a songbook a few years ago and meant to put together another volume by now, but haven’t found the time.  But until it hits the presses, here is volume one in DOC form.  Enjoy.

WARNING:  Singing these songs may induce onset of the following symptoms…Gasping, Dry Heaves, Loss of I.Q., Senility, Crying, and Loud Laughter!

Ward family songbook

Psalm 42: Hope in God

And here is the irony…after doing my recent psalm rewrite, I had a nagging throughout, call it deja-vu, that I had done this before.  So after sifting through a few posts I realized that yes, I had done it on April 1st almost one year ago.  And to add injury to insult, last year’s was better.  But I should let you be the judge of that.  Anyway, I had another one fermenting in the back of my mind so I thought I’d pull that one out too.  Wasn’t planning on it, but here it is…

Psalm 42

As the dog next door pants in the heat

so my soul slobbers for you, O God.

Messy, sloppy, broken, I thirst,

but where to find the divine?

My tears taste salty adding flavor

to my empty stomach day and night

as my sinner’s side lobs questions like grenades,

“Where is your healing God?”

And my thoughts return

as my soul starts to burn:

how I praised, arms upraised,

safe and protected,

among the faithful of God.

 

So, why are you so down, my soul?

So anxious of things beyond your control?

Put your hope in God,

because I will praise him again,

forever and ever, Amen.

 

My soul is still down and blue,

but there I will remember you.

From the Midwest plains,

with birds singing of spring,

Robin sings to jay

With creation’s song,

Rising up and around, sweet and strong, loud and long.

 

The sun overhead shines His love,

At night His song is still with me-

Becoming my own prayer to the God of life.

I say to God my Rock,

“Why have you forgotten me?

Why must my son suffer,

oppressed by sin and the enemy?

3:00 AM.  My heart feels worn and weak.

Coughing, he struggles to breathe or speak

and my sinner’s side lobs questions like grenades,

“Where is your God?”

 

So, why are you so down, my soul?

So anxious of things beyond your control?

Put your hope in God,

because I will praise him again,

forever and ever, Amen.

Psalm 16 rewrite

Periodically, I go back to the psalms to reorient my soul to worship.  I find that they always speak to me and help me reset my perspective…especially as I continue to work through the the sovereignty of my God and the brokenness of my son’s mitochondria.  And when I do that, I also rewrite certain psalms to personalize it, but also to insert myself into God’s story.  To many times we think this world revolves around us and our issues, but the truth is that we are telling God’s better story.  Let me encourage you to spend some time in the psalms too.  You don’t have to rewrite them, but make the Word your own…these were prayers and songs of believers hundreds of years before us, but they are directed to the same God.

Psalm 16-Safety is only in God

Help me redefine safety, my God,

for in you only am I safe.

 

I say to the LORD, “You are my LORD;

apart for you I have nothing…”

I say of those who encourage my faith,

(who watch Silas, clean our house, pay for gas to Riley, bring us meals, send cards, give hugs, babysit and pray)

they are the godly ones.

Those who worship things made with their own hands

will suffer more.

So I will not worship things man-made or put my trust in a miracle drug.

 

Lord, you have assigned me my life and my son;

you have made my life secure.

The pieces of the puzzle have fallen in pleasant places;

Yes, I have a life full of snuggles and slobbery kisses.

 

I will praise you God, for re-orienting me;

even at night my heart calls me to trust.

I keep my tear-filled eyes always on the LORD.

With him at my side, I will not be shaken.

 

Therefore my heart rejoices and my mouth praises;

my body will rest secure,

because you will not abandon us in death,

nor will you let Jesus slip away.

You tell me that life isn’t safe;

but you fill me with joy in your presence,

and you give eternal life with you…

without sickness.

Down&Dirty Theology: the Fall

As we have walked through this journey with Silas, many people have said some variation of this phrase.  ”We don’t know why these things happen…”  I understand what they mean, but I don’t think it’s entirely accurate for a believer to say that, in my opinion.  In fact, as we’ve walked through this journey with Silas, there are a number of things people have said that don’t jive with my understanding of God, the world or our situation.  So over the next weeks, months and year, I’m going to share a little DOWN&DIRTY THEOLOGY.  This week’s serving of God-talk is on the Fall…

Here’s my problem:  when we say things like, “We just don’t know why these things happen…” it sounds like everything is a game of fate and if we get the wrong role of the dice then we get cancer or our son an incurable disease.  We are just pawns on the chess-board of life trying to avoid the random lightning strikes or “Go to jail” cards.  Now, we might be able to say, “We don’t understand why God allowed this to happen…” because Job struggled with that one.  In fact, scripture says that…

we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose    -Romans 8:28

So at that point, it’s more a question of HOW these hards things work together for our good, not why the happen.  Which brings us back to the original point…why DO these things happen?  One word for you.  sin.

Back at the beginning of the world as we know it, the serpent/Satan tempted Eve and then Adam to disobey God.  He said,

“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The answer to that question is “YES!”  In Genesis 2 God said,

You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die and get cancer and Leigh’s disease and experience divorce and wrinkles and warts and tumors and all other kinds of bad stuff!

Now that’s obviously the SAM translation, but you get the point.  God did say that we would die.  So when we get cancer and our son’s incurable diseases we shouldn’t say, “We don’t understand why this is happening.”  We know it’s because of the curse of sin.  God said that apart from His plan for our lives, we would die.  As I suggested earlier, a better question might be, “Why is God allowing this to happen?”  But that is a post for another time…

“I’m a Riley kid too…”

There seems to be a plot a foot…an underground plot of compassion and generosity to our family at Riley.  I’m not sure if the people I keep meeting are angels or aliens, but either way, I think they are sent from God.

Last night I headed down to the Ronald McD house by myself because Sara was full from the delicious vegetable wrap and pita chips with hummus we happened upon in the afternoon a few hours earlier.  We were both feeling snack-ish and since Si was sleeping we headed downstairs to find…nothing.  I had just walked past the kitchen island and was planning on drinking some water when I turned around and…magically, wraps and pita chips with hummus had appeared out of thin air!  Actually, they were from one of the Dr groups here at the hospital, but it seemed like they just appeared.  Amazing.  We spent the next 45 min munching happily in the courtyard while listening to each other and the water from the bubbling fountain.

Fast forward back to last night…my stomach was semi-full from the wrap and chips, but I still wanted to eat something to avoid the munchies at bed-time.  Low and behold, the College Park Church from here somewhere had brought in home-made hamburgers, beans, potato salad AND fruit salad and was serving it with a smile to all the hurting souls who stumbled in the doors of the R.M. House.  I got a plate (no beans, please!)  and made my way back out to the courtyard to sit in the quiet.  No more than 5 min later, an elementary school girl wearing a yellow T-shirt and straight, dark blonde, shoulder length hair walked out the door, crossed the courtyard and asked, “Can I sit with you?”

“Ah, sure,” I said.

“My name is Lindsey.” she said, “It sure is nice and quiet out here.”

“Yeah, it is.  My name is Sam.”

“Hi, Sam.  How are you doing today?”

“I’m doing…ok.  Thanks for asking.  My son is here at Riley because he’s sick and we are learning to feed him through a tube in his nose.  The Doctor says that it could really help him.”

“Oh, that’s good.  I hope it does.  I was a Riley kid too.”

“Really?  So are you here at the hospital as a patient or are you just helping?  You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.  It’s up to you…”

“That’s ok.  I’m just here helping.  My sister Amanda and my mom are here too.  We are here a lot helping.  My sister and I are twins.”

“Well, thank you for the food.  It’s delicious.  By the way, are you fraternal twins or identical twins?”

“You’re welcome.  We are identical twins.”

“Are you wearing the same thing or different things.”

“We’re wearing different things.  Oh, there she is…”

And just then, her sister, Amanda, walked out into the courtyard wearing a floral jumper.  She also walked lightly across the courtyard and plopped down next to her identical twin.

“Hi, my name is Amanda.”

“Hi, Amanda,” I said, “I was just talking to your sister, Lindsey.  And thanks for the food, it’s delicious.”

“Yeah, it is good.  It’s all home-made.”

“I know,” I said, “Lindsey told me.  It’s great.”

“Do you know what makes it good?  Love.  Love always makes food taste better.  It’s not like you just go to the store and open a can of baked beans and dump it out.  You make it yourself and it has love in it.  That’s what makes it taste good”

“I think you’re right,” I said.

The conversation went on from there.  We talked about what we liked to put on our hamburgers.  Both Lindsey and Amanda said they LOVED mayonnaise and couldn’t think of any sandwich that they wouldn’t put mayo on…except PB&J.  That wouldn’t really taste good, we all agreed, but that was the only one.  Later their mom came out, introduced herself and shared their family’s story…

Amanda and Lindsey were congenital twins who were born attached from the bottom of their rib-cage to the belly button and they were sharing 1/5 of their individual livers!  At 5 months of age, they came to Riley and were separated in an intensive surgery.  Ever since, they were “Riley kids”.  A few years ago, their mother decided she needed to give back and convinced her church, College Park, to provide meals and volunteers for the Ronald McDonald house at Riley where she was “given such a gift”.  Now, almost once a week, they come down and serve home-made food with love to the hurting souls who are here to find healing.

I’m still not sure if Amanda and Lindsey were angels or aliens.  They were at least two of the most caring and outgoing little girls I’ve ever met.  Either way, after meeting them, I think I want to be a “Riley kid” too.

Even a Hotdog in His Name…

Yesterday I alluded to Jesus’ words from Matthew 10:42,

And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.

Today, we had a set-back in my son’s treatment.  A swallow study showed us that he was aspirating his thickened liquids into his lungs and was in danger of having pureed food go down the wrong pipe too.  That means he now has an NG tube going into his stomach through the nose.  Needless to say, it felt like we had just lost a battle in our war on Leigh’s disease.

At lunch I took the elevator down to the Ronald McDonald house for lunch and found hot hot-dogs being served.  (Which ironically were in the news this morning!)  The group of retirees serving the food all had matching, neon-green shirts identifying them as members of a local Church-of-Christ congregation.  As I filled my plate and walked out into the courtyard to eat, I was struck that this was the body of Christ taking care of me as I tried to take care of my son.

Suddenly, the sun came out from behind the clouds.  As the rays of light shone around me, my whole being was warmed with the truth that God had called me to this place and time.  I was called to go upstairs and show my son the same love my heavenly Father had for me.  My heavenly Father had adopted me and made me His own.  He would take care of us and wanted me to help take care of another child of God who had a tube in his nose.  I was called to take care of his son.  My son.

The tube is still there.  We are still having a hard day, but I was reminded that God will take care of us through His church.  And I was reminded that if anyone gives even a hot dog to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward.  Amen.

Riley hospital…crossroads of America

As we drove back to Indiana from a family camping trip in the hills of PA, the sign welcoming us to our home-state read, “Indiana: the crossroads of America”.  It meant, of course, that the state is strategically positioned in the middle of the mid-west and many people, roads, trucks travel through it.

Now, I find myself at Riley hospital and am struck that this place truly is the “cross-roads of America”!  Every kind of person is here at the hospital whether they want to be or not.

I’m here because we are trying a new diet with my son who suffer’s from Leigh’s disease.  Other children with similar diagnosis and symptoms have seen amazing and radical results by changing the food they eat and therefore the way their body produces energy.  We hope this will happen for our little boy too.  That is why we are here.

There are other people at Riley Hospital too.  Hoping.  Praying. Calling.  Explaining.  Waiting.  The looks in their eyes tell you that.  The snip-its of noise and talk you hear as you walk down the hallway tell you that…

“beep…beep…beep.”

“His renal glands aren’t working right.”

“But the medication will work this time and…”

“beep…beep…beep.”

“My son has a very rare liver disease.”

“beep…beep…beep.”

This morning I went running in the park to get away from it all.  However, on the way back upstairs to the room, I met Irvin.  A father who is about the same height as me, but wears black pants, a blue shirt and skinny suspenders.  With his beard, he could almost pass for an Indie rock star.  But Irvin will never be an Indie rocker.  Irvin is Amish.  More importantly as I met him on the elevator with one of his sons, Irvin is a father who’s son is very sick.  Irvin’s son is 13 months old and has a rare liver disease.  As we shared info about our sons and how to find the Ronald McDonald house downstairs, I realized that this Riley hospital elevator was the real cross-roads of America.  A place where doctors ride with nurses and patients.  A place where suburbanites ride with the Amish.

A place where we are all just humans trying desperately to find a cure for our small, sick sons.

I’m praying for Irvin and his family.  I told him that later this afternoon as I passed him in the hallway.  He thanked me honestly.  Because I’m sure it’s his prayer too.  I would ask that you pray for him also.  Jesus is the only one who heals.  We come to hospitals looking for a cure, but these doctors and nurses are only the hands and feet of God.  They help share the grace that comes from the One who made us and who stitches us back together now that we’re broken.

Tomorrow, I plan to run again.  I will run and then step sweating into the elevator.  Who will I meet there?  Irvin?  Or somebody else entirely?  I don’t know.  But I will pray for them.  The same way I pray for my own son.  Hoping and trusting that a cup of cold water or even a prayer offered in the name of Jesus will not go unanswered.

Keep me safe (Ps 16)

It’s been awhile, but sometimes I rewrite the psalms to reflect my own situation and how God is still speaking these same truths today.  In other words, I’m claiming the outlook of the psalmist and inserting myself into God’s story through the rewrite…does that make sense?  Today, after some downs and ups with my son over the last few weeks (this was a better week for him, by the way) I’m looking at Psalm 16 which is a prayer from David for safety…

Keep me safe, O God

for you are safety when all other safety is

confusion,

delusion,

illusion.

This morning I said to the LORD,

“You are my God;

everything else is…bent, twisted, dirty, rotten…

And the other believers…

around me,

surround me?

They are like lights who show the Way, help me see

If I walked away in this medical situation,

Found another medication,

My pain would increase.  My soul decease.

So, I will not worship myself or other gods…

Lord, you have given me this life,

this wife,

this son

with Leigh’s syndrome.

You have a plotted plan.

My life has been good and given as gift.

I will praise you, LORD, who counsels me;

even at night,

feeling despair bite,

my heart reminds me.

Set. your. face. towards. God.

He didn’t promise to be fair, but He is there.

Closer than my hand and my heart is glad.

And I’m going to tell this story and sleep a night’s sleep

because You hold my life, Silas’ life.

You won’t let our souls die

You have shown me how to live life

You have filled me with just your joy

And that will keep going

and going

and going

and…